The Mask I Wear

The Mask I Wear

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I’m afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me
but don’t be fooled, for God’s sake, don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm
and I’m in command,
and that I need no one.
But don’t believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That’s why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They’re nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation, and I know it.

That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
and if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I’m playing,
the superficial phony game.
I’d really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this.
I don’t dare.
I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing,
that I’m just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s nothing
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I’m not saying
Hear what I’d like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn’t
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don’t be fooled by me.
At least not by the mask I wear.

Permanent End

I said I loved you.
You said it too.
But little did I know, it was never really true.
I gave you my world, And I gave you my heart.
Then you had to go, And tear them both apart.
Many times I was warned.
Many times I was told.
I never listened to the actual truth.
Now I must choose to behold.
My life is now changing.
For I am now rearranging.
Never again will I let you back in.
I choose to make this our permanent end.

I hate you…

i hate you,
i hate you,

i hate your soft eyes,
i hate you.

i hate your perfect nose,
i hate you.

i hate your delicate mouth,
i hate you.

i hate your suple butt,
i hate you.

i hate your warm hands,
i hate you.

i hate your fucking black heart,
i hate you.

i hate your black abiss of a soul,
i hate you.

i hate your worthless shattered emotions,
i hate you.

i hate your discusting perfect shame,
i hate you,

i hate you,
i hate me…

Interactions

Our interaction with other people is inevitable and everyone can identify with a need for someone’s companionship.  Loneliness is not amiable to us.  Having intimate relationships help us grow and learn more about others and ourselves

Sometimes I miss you terribly… Other times I wish I never met you…

We were together for many months
We became as one
It was like I had your blood running through my veins
We could read each others thoughts
Finish each others sentences
Without saying a word
There is so much I’d like to change
But I can’t turn back the hands of time
Your memory will always be apart of me and my heart
I still talk to you
And wonder if you hear
Sometimes I can feel you near
Even in my dreams
My heart can’t say good-bye
For it’s afraid your memory will die
A part of my heart is with you
And it’s yours to keep
Now that you are gone
I’m left to stand alone

SWC – Part 1

Hi All, So here it is finally.

Blog entries on my SIFE WORLD CUP trip to Europe.

Lets start with preparation. Preparing for SWC was a nightmare. Very time consuming and so many problems to solve. H1N1, CEO presentation and cultural fair was just some of the things. Nevertheless, we got through all of it and it was time to leave to Berlin. Even on the day we were suppose to leave (2nd Oct), I was trying to settle the hostel issues for post world cup holiday. The sad thing was Reubs could not extend his trip.

On Children’s day, I met up with some my classmates for dinner and then Elaine had to go off. So the others went to chillax. Here are some of the pictures:

On the 2nd, I had dinner with Jun Yi at the airport. Dinner was at one of our favourite places: Secret Recipe. It was dam nice of Jun Yi to have dinner with me before I flew off. And I owe her big time for paying for the meal. Probably, dinner or lunch after her exams.

After that, Gudiya and Mustafa came to see me. They met Jun Yi and ate some curry puff thing. I then send Jun Yi off and went to meet the SIFE team, lecturers, Komathi and my family. We then checked in and made our way to the flight. It was one long journey ahead of us. I was sitting behind Isma and beside boy.

The flight took off after some time, since we went in rather early I think. And so, our SWC journey began.

Our destination was Amsterdam.

Note: Next Post will be about what happened in Amsterdam and flight to Berlin.

He and Me…

He smiles, I cry.
He’s brave, I’m shy.
He loves, I’m alone.
He’s amazing, I’m unknown.
He’s beautiful, I’m a mess.
He’s happy, I’m depressed.
He’s a fake, I am real.
My mask is perfect, he hides me.

DBA 10 Memories

Here is a video I made recently:

My Video on Facebook

What have you become?

First things first, the person I am talking about in this post is not the same person as the previous post.

I know that I played a role in it ending. I know I did made many mistakes that lead to the end. Many out there did say and still continue to say that I never deserved you. Maybe, maybe not. Well, they don’t know everything about us. Everything we shared and everything we went through. I have accepted that I made mistakes and I have learnt from it. I have even apologized for the mistakes I did. Something I rarely do. I never held a grudge against you. I am not upset that things ended and they we are not together. However, things that have happened with you is rather saddening to me.

Take a look at yourself. What have you become? You have changed in so many ways. You are no more the person that I knew. I remember the type of people you used to hate. Now, you seem to be surrounded by those and only those type of people? If these were people that are essential for your existence then I won’t be saying anything. But they are not. Well, I am no one to say that you cannot mix around with these people. But look for yourself what you have become because of that. You were way smarter than me. You went to a school way better than I am at now. What happened then? What happen to that dream of yours of becoming a doctor? I always wanted you to be one. Just look at where are you now and what you have become. I was never expecting this from you. Turn around and look at what caused all these. Wondering how come I know so much? I have always checked on you. I always wanted you to do fine. You have this special place in my heart which will be very difficult to be replaced by anyone else. The bond that we shared. It was more than just special.

Those I mentioned above are very academic. You still can make amends now so its not too bad. What worries me more is your changed attitude. Relationship was something you have always take seriously. I don’t see that happening now. What happened? I still have all your letters to me. I do read them from time to time. The change I see from the letters to the present you never fails to amaze me. I guess maybe its fine if you are not serious about what you are doing. But you are seriously playing around. I don’t think that is very good. What happened to all those good morals and values you had. Think about it. I do not know what caused this change in you but it is definitely not for the better. I really do hope you rethink about what you are doing.

One good thing to note is that not everything has became worse or bad. I see that you are closer to your family and all that. I have also learnt quite a few things from you. I now have much closer friends unlike last time. I spend much more time with my family now. Most importantly, I have eradicated the “hate” thinking. I guess you will be the only one to understand what the “hate” thinking means. I seriously hope things will change to some extent. I just want to you let you know (though you might not read my blog) that you have a special place in my heart and I will always be there when you need me. I am happy that at least now we talk to each other in a much better way unlike last time. I wish you all the best in the future and sincerely hope you do very well.

Hoping for the very best for you.

Only if things were the same…

First things first. The following post is not about my ex-girlfriend.

I think it is finally time to address this certain issue. Until now, I do not know what went wrong. I have tried asking you many times but the answer always was nothing. And I decided to give up. However certain things in the recent weeks have actually reminded me of the relationship we had. I have actually always enjoyed it. I always wanted things to remain that way. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. With the things happening around me, I am starting to miss you. The list of things that I was forbidden from doing. I still remember the things I was not suppose to do. The list of things that I had to do everyday. I remember these things clearly. I should always tell you when I am down. I should always say goodnight to you before I sleep. I should always sleep by a certain time. I had all the rules written on a piece of paper and the paper was in my wallet. I want someone to implement such things on me again. Even if there was someone else, it won’t be like you.

Images of things we used to do flash in my mind over and over again. I don’t about you but I was always happy around you, having lots of fun and enjoying myself. You were the person to whom I told that sad news first. You cried upon hearing it even when I was strong. The first movie that we watched together? Remember that? I still do remember. Remember the other movie we watched during the holidays? I still do. Do you remember what you do whenever we are studying? How about the breakfast? How about the morning to evenings of studying? How about the messages I use to send you whenever I was down. I still can remember by heart one of the messages you send me.

If things were still the same, I would have already went to bed by now. I would not have ate dinner after midnight. I would not even be writing this post. Maybe this blog would not even exist. What a difference you would have made in my life. I know that according to the cycle, you are suppose to leave but I wish you never did.

From what I know, I never did anything wrong to make you leave. From what I hear, it was all fake. It was all for something in return. I have yet to fully accept that because deep down I still believe that it was not all fake. But now that all has happened, what do I say? What do I do? I know you do not read my blog but I want you to know that I miss you and the relationship we had.

Only if things were the same…

What was it that we had!

Either it was something
Or nothing!

Either it was a glass full to the brim
Or a deception of a full glass- really EMPTY

Either it was love as never seen before
Or it was lust dirtier than ever.

Either they were naive hearts
Or were the dirty minds?

Either it was the brightest of the sunshine
In a high mountain village
Or it was scorching heat never seen before
As imagined in the hell!

Either it was the soft soothing touch of love
Or it was the hard coarse drag!

Either it was sweet beautiful smell
Of fresh bloom
Or it was the rotten stinking
Odor of sort

Either it was blessing
Which came for a moment
Or it was the curse
For both of us

Either it was a powerful storm
That could’ve swept minds and hearts alike
Or was it a selfish feeble need
Which only makes one’s soul weak

I still wonder
What was it
That we had!