I know
that you know
I had it…

I don’t know
if you know
I have it…

I know
that you should know
but you don’t…

I don’t know
if I should let you know
but I do…

Achiever’s Function has finally come to an end. I am kinda sad it ended so fast. We had so much fun practicing for it. And the new friends I made are great.

Recently, I have take a new role with friends. It seems weird to be in this position but I guess my experiences are coming to good use.

I am waiting for HIStory pictures and videos. They will be up here as soon I get them.

Ciao

You went to sleep.

And I feel like messaging you as you fall asleep.

A entry which is a reaction to what someone told me on Thursday.

I hate the way you look at me like I am not even there,
The look in your eyes shows no emotion or care.

I hate the way you talk to me like I am so beneath you,
I try to do everything you want me to do.

I hate the way you look at me like I am made of a glass pane,
Although I am shattered and broken I try to hold my tears from falling like rain.

I hate the things you say about me like I am not in the room,
You think in my hand should always be a rag and a broom.

I hate the fact you think that you are better than me,
You are the one who made me into this person I’ve come to be.

I hate the things you think about me and all of the questions that you ask,
Leave it where it belongs the past is the past.

I hate that you do not take me anywhere,
It’s like you are embarrassed of me so you rather me not be there.

I hate the way you say I can do nothing right,
And how most of our time spent is in an argument or fight.

I hate that you talk down to me and try to call me out,
But if I say something back to you I’m just running my mouth.

I hate the fact that I can not be the perfect person you want me to be,
I would give up my own life if I knew it would make you happy.

I hate the way you love me because it doesn’t feel like you do at all,
You are suppose to be the one I can rely on to catch me if I fall.

I hate the way you look at me with all the hate in your eyes,
Like I have completely and purposely ruined your whole life.

I hate that you blame everything on me,
Sometimes I just wish you would tell me to leave.

I hate the way you do not pay attention to anything I say,
But I still make myself believe you will change one day.

I hate that I sit here and think of all these things to say,
While you are out having a good time and at home I stay.

I hate that everything I say seems so stupid to you,
You make fun of me constantly for everything I do.

I hate the way you complain about all the things I do,
I’m sorry I’m not perfect I could never be like you.

I hate all of this hate that I have inside,
Everyday I feel like more of me has died.

I hate the fact, I just wish that you would see,
That the truth is I hate myself, I hate being me.

The Mask I Wear

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I’m afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me
but don’t be fooled, for God’s sake, don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm
and I’m in command,
and that I need no one.
But don’t believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That’s why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They’re nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation, and I know it.

That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
and if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I’m playing,
the superficial phony game.
I’d really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this.
I don’t dare.
I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing,
that I’m just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s nothing
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I’m not saying
Hear what I’d like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn’t
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don’t be fooled by me.
At least not by the mask I wear.

I said I loved you.
You said it too.
But little did I know, it was never really true.
I gave you my world, And I gave you my heart.
Then you had to go, And tear them both apart.
Many times I was warned.
Many times I was told.
I never listened to the actual truth.
Now I must choose to behold.
My life is now changing.
For I am now rearranging.
Never again will I let you back in.
I choose to make this our permanent end.

i hate you,
i hate you,

i hate your soft eyes,
i hate you.

i hate your perfect nose,
i hate you.

i hate your delicate mouth,
i hate you.

i hate your suple butt,
i hate you.

i hate your warm hands,
i hate you.

i hate your fucking black heart,
i hate you.

i hate your black abiss of a soul,
i hate you.

i hate your worthless shattered emotions,
i hate you.

i hate your discusting perfect shame,
i hate you,

i hate you,
i hate me…

Our interaction with other people is inevitable and everyone can identify with a need for someone’s companionship.  Loneliness is not amiable to us.  Having intimate relationships help us grow and learn more about others and ourselves

Sometimes I miss you terribly… Other times I wish I never met you…

We were together for many months
We became as one
It was like I had your blood running through my veins
We could read each others thoughts
Finish each others sentences
Without saying a word
There is so much I’d like to change
But I can’t turn back the hands of time
Your memory will always be apart of me and my heart
I still talk to you
And wonder if you hear
Sometimes I can feel you near
Even in my dreams
My heart can’t say good-bye
For it’s afraid your memory will die
A part of my heart is with you
And it’s yours to keep
Now that you are gone
I’m left to stand alone

Hi All, So here it is finally.

Blog entries on my SIFE WORLD CUP trip to Europe.

Lets start with preparation. Preparing for SWC was a nightmare. Very time consuming and so many problems to solve. H1N1, CEO presentation and cultural fair was just some of the things. Nevertheless, we got through all of it and it was time to leave to Berlin. Even on the day we were suppose to leave (2nd Oct), I was trying to settle the hostel issues for post world cup holiday. The sad thing was Reubs could not extend his trip.

On Children’s day, I met up with some my classmates for dinner and then Elaine had to go off. So the others went to chillax. Here are some of the pictures:

On the 2nd, I had dinner with Jun Yi at the airport. Dinner was at one of our favourite places: Secret Recipe. It was dam nice of Jun Yi to have dinner with me before I flew off. And I owe her big time for paying for the meal. Probably, dinner or lunch after her exams.

After that, Gudiya and Mustafa came to see me. They met Jun Yi and ate some curry puff thing. I then send Jun Yi off and went to meet the SIFE team, lecturers, Komathi and my family. We then checked in and made our way to the flight. It was one long journey ahead of us. I was sitting behind Isma and beside boy.

The flight took off after some time, since we went in rather early I think. And so, our SWC journey began.

Our destination was Amsterdam.

Note: Next Post will be about what happened in Amsterdam and flight to Berlin.

He smiles, I cry.
He’s brave, I’m shy.
He loves, I’m alone.
He’s amazing, I’m unknown.
He’s beautiful, I’m a mess.
He’s happy, I’m depressed.
He’s a fake, I am real.
My mask is perfect, he hides me.